Forget the Higgs boson: CERN confirms the existence of The Force

In a startling piece of news delivered on April 1st, 2015, it was announced that physicists working at the Large Hadron Collider have, in their search for all things force related, discovered positive proof for the existence of THE Force.

The CERN press release revealing the news opens:

Researchers at the Large Hadron Collider just recently started testing the accelerator for running at the higher energy of 13 TeV, and already they have found new insights into the fundamental structure of the universe. Though four fundamental forces  – the strong force, the weak force, the electromagnetic force and gravity – have been well documented and confirmed in experiments over the years, CERN announced today the first unequivocal evidence for the Force.

A spokesperson for CERN, merely described as “diminutive” and “green” in the press release, is quoted as referring to the discovery as, “very impressive, this result is.” However, other researchers are more forthcoming on the matter, including one Ben Kenobi, of the University of Mos Eisley, Tatooine, who is quoted as describing the new discovery thus: “The Force is what gives a particle physicist his powers. It’s an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us; and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together.”

Despite not knowing precisely what causes The Force, CERN researchers are already putting in to use, as CERN librarian Tullio Basaglia demonstrates, returning books to their correct places on the shelves. Other uses of The Force arre said to include lifting heavy objects in swamps ... (images courtesy of CERN)
Despite not knowing precisely what causes The Force, CERN researchers are already putting in to use, as CERN librarian Tullio Basaglia demonstrates, returning books to their correct places on the shelves. Other uses of The Force arre said to include lifting heavy objects in swamps … (images courtesy of CERN)

Interestingly, the release goes on to note that while no-one is quite sure as to what actually causes The Force, CERN researchers and students have already started harnessing its unique properties. Apparently, practical applications that have already been discovered are listed as long-distance communication, influencing minds, and lifting heavy things out of swamps.

Kenobi is credited with first outlining the properties of The Force in his research paper, May the Force be with EU, in which he notes the vital role played by CERN’s new R2 units, and the Thermodynamic Injection Energy (TIE) detector, recently installed at the LHC.

However, the report also indicates that the discovery hasn’t entirely gone down well with researchers elsewhere.

Dark Matter physicist Dave Vader, who is apparently somewhat asthmatic, or at least a heavy breather, dismissed CERN’s announcement before stating he would be furthering his research into the Dark Side of matter physics, and opened an invitation for others to cross over and join him. Physicists who look good in dark robes are said to be particularly welcome.

The entire report makes fascinating reading, and I’d strongly encourage anyone with an interest in particle physics to give it a read. Assuming it remains visible after April 1st 😉 .

3 thoughts on “Forget the Higgs boson: CERN confirms the existence of The Force

  1. These are not the physicists you’re looking for. Anyone who has ever visited the Large Hadron Collider knows that you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

    Like

Comments are closed.