1. Be Patient
“To the Dominant, I say this: Until you enter into a relationship with a submissive, you have no more right to order him/her around than does anyone else. Give your submissive time to get to know you and what you are like. Finesse and subtlety are major elements of Dominance. Similarly, strength and gentleness go hand in hand. The sensitivity and awareness (or lack thereof) that you show in the real world is likely to be repeated in the playroom.
“To the submissive, I say this: A potential Dominant will let you know if She or He is interested in you or not. Keep in mind that your purpose as a submissive is to serve and to satisfy someone who will take into consideration the realisation of your fantasies. Don’t expect your Dominant to be able to turn on like a light switch. The timing must be right for both of you.”
2. Be Humble
“To the Dominant I say this: You may be God’s gift to the world, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunities to show how good you are – and plenty of opportunities to make a fool of yourself. No matter what you claim, the “real you” will show through in a scene. Don’t set yourself up for a failure by developing expectations that you know you can never reach.
“To the submissive I say: You may be God’s gift to the world and the most sought after prize in town, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunity to show how good you are. No matter what you claim, the “real you” will show through in a scene. Don’t set yourself up for failure by developing expectations that you know you will never allow a Dominant produce within you.”
3. Be Open
“To the Dominant I say this: Although you are considered to be the teacher in D/s relationship, you can always learn from your submissive, no matter how inexperienced. Be willing, as well, to learn from other Dominants who may have a totally different perspective from yours. Try to approach by-now-familiar trips with an attitude of wonderment and discovery. Be aware that everyone has her or his own personal style.
“To the submissive, I say this: You can learn something about SM and about yourself from E/everyone into the scene, no matter how experienced or inexperienced T/they are, or how Dominant or submissive T/they are. D/s- SM is a very personal art, and an “I already know it all” attitude will make you miss valuable SM lessons and experiences, and ignore potentially valuable D/s friends.”
4. Be Honest
“To the Dominant I say this: If you lack experience in an area that your submissive would like to experiment with, be honest about it. Your partner has a right to know that. Be honest with yourself and take your submissive only to those levels at which you are completely in control of the situation. Safety should always be the first concern, taking priority over how hot a particular scene is.
“To the submissive, I say this: Don’t be afraid to share your needs and fantasies. Your Dominant expects it. Honesty about your wants, health concerns, and turn-offs is essential to a good scene. Lying or being less than candid can only lead to problems, as the Dominant will base the scene on inaccurate information. Besides causing problems, it can be dangerous.”
5. Be Realistic
“To the Dominant I say this: End the scene with the submissive wanting more, not wishing there had been less. Remember that power, control, and sensitivity are the keys, not just the intensity of the stimulation. Be clear about what is fantasy, and has little to do with what works in practice. Your favourite porno picture books may be stimulating in themselves, but don’t try to imitate them to the last detail.
“To ths submissive, I say this: Your Dominant is human, and even the most experienced have moments of awkwardness and indecision. Don’t call attention to what you perceive as a lapse or error. Know, to, the difference between reality and the fantasy world you see in books and magazines.”
6. Be Sensitive
“To the Dominant I say this: There’s a very fine line between a sensitive, caring Dominant and a self-righteous, insensitive overbearing fool. Your scene should be a creative synthesis of the needs and fantasies of both you and your submissive. Although, on the surface, your submissive is serving you, what actually is happening is that Dominant and submissive are serving each other. Earn the complete trust of your submissive and never violate or even threaten to violate that trust.
“To the Submissive I say this: Your scene is a two-way street. It is not just the physical realisation of your prior fantasies. If you want to limit your experience to certain physical and psychological stimulation, then contract with your Dominant ahead of time, but don’t always expect your Dominant to be a puppet in a fantasy play you’ve written in your head. It’s far better to let your Dominant surprise you, to extend your limits, to take you to places you’re never been before. When you trust your Dominant completely, let them know it, and let them guide you into new fantasies.”
7. Be Genuine
“To the Dominant I say this: Submissives are looking for someone who will take over their body and mind, not just for brute strength. Real people are wanted, not just cardboard images or macho stereotypes. Your Dominance enhances your whole existence. It does not cover up or substitute for other areas of your life – it is you. Have your submissive fall in love with you, and expect him or her to give him/herself up to you totally. Follow up on rules, expect obedience, and punish appropriately when it is called for. Don’t shirk your responsibility to your submissive or to the creed of Dominants. Be dependable and expect dependability. You have agreed to take the Dominant role – now take it!
“To the submissive I say this: You have taken this title as you wish to be controlled, directed, owned. This is the whole point. Let your Dominant take you over completely. Don’t coach or second guess or be critical of your Dominant. Exchange information on your special needs before the scene starts, but once it starts be quiet! You have agreed to limitations of your own power. Stay within those limitations. Respect and obey your Dominant and expect punishment if you don’t. Accept it gracefully. Your Dominant has many things to be concerned with, including your safety and what turns you on. Be loyal and dependable and enjoy your role!”
8. Be Healthy
“To you both I say: Like any strenuous activity, SM requires that its participants be in top physical and emotional health. The amount you sleep, your eating habits, your alcohol and drug intake, and everyday stress affect your response and endurance during a scene. Don’t attempt to do SM when your physical or emotional energy is low. If you are unable to accept the responsibilities that entering into a scene requires, then say so. Never hold the other to account or in resentment when they do this; accept and support the fact that they cannot be as demanding or responsive as Y/you would like. Support and aid them in returning to a physical or emotional state wherein D/s can be enjoyed by you both in health and happiness.”
“To you both I say this: Communication is the foundation of a trusting relationship. Never close the door to honest communications between the two of you. Always discuss the essentials when entering into a relationship such as experience, limits, needs, wants, likes and dislikes, health and well-being. Do not assume the other in the relationship is a mind-reader; spell out roles and contracts and rules and agree them. Respect safewords and/or signals. Never close the door to continued communications; set aside times when you can both sit down and discuss things freely and without repercussions.”
10 Have Fun
“You have both earned, and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasures which come from responsible, creative D/s play.”
13 thoughts on “The “Ten Rules” of D/s”
Im new to the idea of becoming a Dom ! I have met a submissive that is interested in me learning about the world of D/s & S&M,and the poss ability of me becoming her Dom.
I have always had interest in this myself ! So I want to explore,and learn all I can to see if this is something I can do and get into ! The idea of becoming a Loving Dominant excites me as I do want the control element,and am not mean or abusive with women now !
I have learned much in reading the 10 rules,and previous article ! Thank You Immensely.
If you want to know more about the lifestyle of being in a BDSM relationship visit fetlife.com . There you can talk to people that have been Doms and subs for many years.
Hope this helps 🙂
I loved this essay! Thank you!
I am a devoted sub to my husband master.we are in a committed relationship and we suit each other to a T because, among other things, he is a skilled sadist, and I am a willing and able masochist.
We are looking for a social network for our kind and have had no luck.
Do you know of such a place?
Thanks again, Scout Bearclaw
Thank you. Insofar as BDSM social netowrks are concerned, can only suggest you try Google or something like http://www.ranker.com/list/bdsm-social-networks/dot-commander
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Brilliant article. Thanks for posting it. 🙂
Thank you for posting the article. I recently met someone who I found out is a Dom. I am learning about being a submissive with him as my teacher. I hope that as we continue on this road together, he will want to make me his. But at this time, he does not. Not because he doesn’t want to, but because he said that he wants to be totally convince that I know what I’m doing, I’m aware of what I’m doing and what I’m offering to him. I look forward to this journey with him.
These thoughts are very applicable to ANY relationship, not just D/s.
Which, if you read the essays in this section, you’ll find in precisely the point. It is why these “rules” were written – they serve as a reminder that the common, expected “rules” of care and support aren’t just set aside because a relationship has the term “D/s” associated with it. Which, unfortunately can at time so easily be the case, particularly among those entering the world of D/s.
Thank you for this article. I have recently started acting upon my dominant nature and found it to be quite liberating for the past several months . Just this month I have met a man who is a true submissive in his nature and I truly like him in all aspects , it inspired me to look for ways of becoming a better , more experienced and creative domme. I want to learn how to approach this and your article really cleared a few things up! Wishing all of us an interesting and fulfilling journey 🙂
I hope your journey works out for the two of you. Might I also suggest The Loving Dominant?
Thank you so much for this article! It really, *really* helped me see things from a more knowledgeable perspective and as a submissive who is just figuring out what I want this is really helpful for getting any perspective Doms to see things as close to the same way I do as possible. I’ve decided that before I go anywhere physical with a Dom I’m going to ask them to read this and understand what you’re talking about, and then have an in depth discussion about our expectations and hopes like you said. Thank you again; this will be an invaluable tool for me in the future and that is priceless ❤