D/s takes many forms. Within SL, it predominantly (no pun intended) revolves around BDSM. However, many forms of D/s have little or nothing to do with BDSM; one such example is one that has long involved me personally, although whether it effectively translates to SL is something I’m not sure about.
Sensual D/s is a far more genteel form of D/s. While SD/s (as it is now frequently referred to), can be said to form part and parcel of “maintstream” D/s relationships inasmuch as elements of it exists in any loving relationship – it can also exist entirely on its own; so much so that it is worthwhile defining SD/s in its own right.
But before I do so, I should point out that it is not a term I’ve coined out of thin air – that credit goes perhaps to Sir Tom, whose former (but sadly now apparently departed) web writings on the subject were regarded by many (including myself) as required reading.
In a nutshell, SD/s can be defined as a form of D/s that encompasses many of the “expected” elements of D/s – control, training, respect – while avoiding aspects such as physical punishment or the harsher implements of control and restraint.
SD/s can only grow out of a deep understanding between Dominant and submissive – what some call a “spiritual connection”. It very much encompasses a collaboration between the Dominant and submisive which – dare I say it, sees the submissive viewed as something of a “equal” to the Dominant in terms of “managing” the relationship.
As with more “tradional” D/s relationships, SD/s sees the submissive entrusting their being and self-identity into the care of the Dominant, while the Dominant guides and enlightens the latter in understanding (and accepting) their submissive nature. But it is also more than this – it is very much an empathic union between two people in which either one can identify and respond to the needs of the other on an instinctive, loving level that does not necessarily require verbal or other direct communication.
Such an understanding – connectedness – takes time to nurture and grow. It requires commitment from both parties that can only grow out from close contact. In this, it is perhaps akin to the feelings of union and “connectedness” we feel in the early blooming of a love affair, and which grows through courting and marriage, the ups and downs of life in all its many colours, which enable a couple to spend their lives in (relative, allowing for human nature) harmony down through the years.
At the same time, SD/s does not rely on physical punishment, not does it embrace the harsher forms of restraint. It is altogether more subtle and tactile. As Sir Tom states in his definition of sensual D/s:
“The very nature of the parties involved leans toward less intense forms of discipline. For the sensual sub, a few words conveying the disappointment of the Dominant in their behavior or conduct is enough to bring the desired change. The types of submissives who engage in this kind of relationship are usually highly sensitive to pleasing their Dominant. The knowledge that they have erred is often sufficient stimulus in itself to make a change for the better”
Similarly, while bondage may well form a part of sensual D/s play, it is far “gentler” – silks more than chains and cuffs; less stringent bondage positions; floggers used as implements of tease, not disicpline. Again, to borrow from Sir Tom and his website:
“Much can be accomplished by requiring the submissive to lie still with closed eyes as a deerskin flogger is drawn in feather-gentle motions along the outlines of the body. The anticipation factor is tremendous.”
Over the years, I’ve engaged in many, many aspects of D/s and BDSM. I openly admit to embracing fetish elements such as latex in rl & very much like the latex sub-culture that exists in SL as many of the items here appeal to that wilder, more bizarre part of my fantasies. I also very much enjoy tight restriction and seeing a sub tightly bound and helpless during BDSM play – although in truth I rather unusually came to bondage after discovering my fascination with latex.
BUT….while I do enjoy these from both sides of the “/” (i.e. as both a Dominant in control and as a submissive who has surrendered herself)…sensual D/s is perhaps what engages me the most in terms of outright pleasure as a Dominant. The use of my hands, my lips, the toys around me, the outfits I wear or have my sub wear, to arouse, tease, open, and control my sub engenders far greater feelings of excitement, fulfilment, satisfaction, pleasure and (dare I say it, as it brings me full circle) connection with my sub – than perhaps engaging in the “harder” aspects of D/s (or more correctly, BDSM) that tend to be the mainstay of D/s activities within Second Life.
Which again, is not to denegrate or negate these other aspectsod D/s – or BDSM itself – in anyway; physical punishment, heavy bondage and the like enacted through SL rp can be very satisfying for all concerned. But given that sensual D/s really does only grow out of a very deep understanding of one another, and does rely on more subtle methods of tactile contact which cannot easily be translated into on-screen animations but rely far more on the use of the written word with all its attendant “passivity” on the parts of those so engaged, I’m frequently left wondering if sensual D/s can really translate to SL?
Obviously, elements of it can…we all use words of tenderness in rp at times; we don’t always rely on strapping / being strapped into a tight hogtie… But taken as a whole – the development of desire, the use of tenderness and the nurturing of the fundamental “connectedness” required for sensual D/s to thrive; stacked as it is against the myriad of distractions (both on-screen and in rl) that can detract from our SL experience – is it a realistic expectation for such a relationship to be achievable and sustainable in SL? does it even enter people’s expectations?
SL is a visual medium – as such, the sight of an Avatar tightly trussed up, a ballgag silencing her or him, and a black-dressed Dominant towering over them is more imeediately stimulating than a long, possibly complicated piece of descriptive prose popping up on a screen. Avatars are limited in what they can do….yes, gentle carresses can be described, intimate touches, kisses, licks and nips can be worked into a text conversation; but when the two avatars involved are locked in the same pose minute by minute by minute….the mind can inevitably wander, and the play lose its intimacy….
And while beautifully descriptive prose can be used to try and describe moves, feelings, responses desires….it goes unaccompanied by the all important sense of touch. SD/s is tactile…it is “gentle”….it stimulates and arouses – and by the same manner – controls and brings forth the desired responses – through subtle, light, caring touch. And this really doesn’t translate well into SL, not with the aforementioned limitations of avatar, etc. Similarly, while a few toys in SL do allow a small degree of SD/s activity (floggers that can be “draped” over a sub’s shoulders, etc.), do these fully communcate the lustful desire that accompanies most SD/s activities?
My own experiences in trying to utilise SD/s techniques have been – to me – mixed. While the sub has responded, the questions of how deeply engaged she has been in the scene when such times are compared to harder-edged play (such as a whipping) have remained. Perhaps, in all truth, this concern is my own failing more than anything else. After all, the reality is that a whipping in SL is about as “tactile” as a “gentle carress” – although with a whipping you do get the visual element to help stimulate the mind along the right lines.
I’m curious to know other people’s thoughts on this. Have you tried SD/s in SL? How engaging have you found it…?
Do drop me a line.
Related Links
Note: first published 6th November, 2008.
Inara Pey: Living in a Modemworld 
I think this should provide a good insight into my own experience…
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